Larry The Cable Guy Jokes

 

- I used to be a lifeguard until some blue kid got me fired

- I was madder then a deaf-mute playing Bingo, getting Bingo, and

   trying to holler out Bingo, I tell ya...

- I was madder than a skinhead watching The Jeffersons! 

- I was more confused than Ray Charles with a "Where's Waldo"
  Book.

- I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin.     And I'm like, "Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them!"

- I was taking a crap once and then my sister walks in and says,

  "I gotta get my hairspray." All of sudden she says "Uh, smells
  like crap in here.", What do you think's coming out of my rear-end,
  Twizzlers? 

- My brother got eliminated from the spelling bee. Apparently,
  there ain't no number eight in the word "pollinate". 

 - I went out with this one girl, and she scared me. One day she
  says to me "Soon you're gonna hear the pitter-patter of little
  feet!" and I'm thinking, "Oh Lord, she's pregnant"... She ended
  up leavin' me for a midget. 

- I'm married now, so I don't date much anymore. 

- I do need to lose some weight now, I gotta tell ya. I had a
   threesome last week, and I was all by myself. 

- You know gas is expensive when you see street gangs doing walk-
   bys. 

- I went jogging last week. I didn't want to, my car broke down
  in a crappy neighborhood. I lost eight pounds and my rims. 

- Here's my least favorite four stripper names: Edna, Bertha,
  Gertrude... Walter. 

- These two guys go hunting and the one guy says, "Good lord, I
  can see your house from here and your wife's cheatin' on you with
  another guy!" The other guy says, "Oh, I've had it with her.
  Shoot her in the head and him in the privates!" He says, "I
  can get that in one shot!" 

- This guy goes to his doctor one day and the doctor says, "I
  have bad news, and worse news." He says, "What's the bad news?"
  The doctor says, "You got 24 hours to live." He says, "What's the
  worse news?" Doctor says, "I forgot to call you yesterday." 

-I’m on that diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That’s a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver’s license.

-Did you know that when a baby poops its diaper, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled up newspaper?

-A friend of mine went fishing and caught a rainbow trout, but he threw it back 'cause he said he didn't want a gay fish.

- I had a girl put on crotchless britches for my birthday one time. I come home, she was like, “want some of this right here.” i go, “No, look what it did to your underbritches over there.”

-I was reading the paper the other day because my neighbor got up late.

- My sister is covered in moles. We used to just call her "Moley." Then she went down to the church and got herself saved. Now we call her "Holy Moley."

- I believe the crippled stool is the Cadillac of the poopin' stools. 

- Let me ask some of these commie rag head carpet flying wicker basket on the head balancing scumbags something! Why do you hate us? 

-  I'm happier than a tornado in a trailer park!

- "I was madder than a one-legged waitress workin' at the IHOP!" 

- "I was madder than a one-legged stripper doing a table hop."

- "I was happier than a Retard at a Chuck E Cheese." 

- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

-  The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

- What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? 

-  "I was madder than a midget with a yo-yo"

-  "I was madder than an albino hitch hiker in a snow storm."

- If a bunch of midgets do the wave, Is it a ripple?

-  Madder than a hunch back in a limbo contest

-  Im madder than a faggot with lockjaw on valentines day

-  I was as nervous as a long tailed cat in room full of rocking chairs!

-  why do midgets laugh when they run? the grass tickles there nuts

-  I was madder than a mosquito in a mannequin factory...

-  He was busier than a queer in a hot dog factory

- Madder than a two legged dog burying a terd on an icy lake

- Ever had to take a poop so big you had to hand out cigars?

-  "Happier than a queer with a wheelbarrow full of buttholes

- On the other hand, you have different fingers

- If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments

- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now..

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